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YY smooches GILBERT ok. this 2 are like sneak shots of me. playing with sand. see. my finished product. sneakshots of YY ProveMeWrongThen//``
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and it aint right. coz i have ben. still fiercely in love with ben.
plus the thing that i cant let things happen again with dory.
im afraid u will be lyk junru. tt bastard.
and ben. i cant help it but reject u again and again. coz it hurts either way. we have too many problems on hand. that am afraid to patch back in case i lose u again.
actually im confused. but i know smth for sure. Jh, i would have given us a chance if there wernt ben. he got here earlier. i realised smth, love must happen at the right time and place. wad i wan to say here, is that, not i duwan, its that i cant. i cant. im sry.
staying ard a person for long will gradually leads to love? i duno, coz it happened with me and ben.
the thing stopping me is..
1) ben. i cant let him go. he still needs me.
2) me afraid of knowing another guy. its a long process, of trust, of friendship, of shared moments. of everything. and some part of me is reluctant to go thru this process all over again.
3) i promised alot to ben, to myself. it will be betrayal if i be with jh.
why cant things be simple betwn us.
anyways. ben was there with me. he looked bored thou. hmm. and he saw samuel in yanyi's camera. i duno how he thinks. shall ask later. we went causeway for KFC. saw his ex-beau, meL.. she looked stunned to see him...(with me?)
home now, i have geog to do. and reflections to do. due tmr.
bye.
p.s. i love u. for me getting to know u. for who u are. for u loving me. for me loving you. for what we went thru together. for what we taught each other. for the smiles and tears u brought to me. i love u.
it was fun. all fun.
ben send me to sch in da morning. he skipped sch just for me pls. finished EoM with him in macs. love him.
rushed for lit. dory and jeannette gave me stuffs. esp dory. shes damn cute. she bought alot goodies for me pls..one look inside the bag...all orangey stuffs. jeannette too.
lek gave me a card...a horny card..with orange flowers..=DD
later i was called dwn to the canteen by YY. i knew smth was in for me...smth bad. before tt i was alone with JH. he's farni in a sense.
samuel was there. a shock of my life. he gave me flowers. ( bought my Ain) and we took photos. yar...was abit jumping inside. but somehow when i was standing beside him, i thought of ben. my only one. yar. no doubt ben is my one and only. =D
got smashed twice. by eelen and gang, another one was by YY herself. she pro lar.. =DD
anw. i love everyone...
most imptly, my boy. he waited patiently for me when i returned for lessons. he ran ard town to search the similar jackie for me. i cant express how much i love him here. but nobody can replace u. in my heart, u're the only one. even i have fun with other guys in school, rmbr and trust me that u are my only one.
we ate sushi, had fun in de train wearing the same jackies, and talked alot. at dhobyghost. yar. hais. i duno. sometimes, i know im mean to him. but i cant control myself cause of wad he did to me lastym. im sry my boy.
ok. shall end here. i feel loved today.
but i dont care. coz im tired of this ler.
al the problems.
i cant be bothered anymore.
anw, i din do EoM. i will die tmr. ahhas. siao liao.
i bought orange fbts- shirts and shorts. and orange deoderant spray. yar..i like the feeling of buying smth i eye on.
met daddy at Causeway. had mac again. im thinking that i should swear off mac for the nxt week. the smell of mac now is like argh....i can even recognize mac's coke if u ask me. hahs.
the visit to 853 clinic was horrible. esp the injection part. omg. i wont go there again ler.
went sunshine to have dinner. i finally saw Clara. she looks like a boy to me. and she got double chin. not very nice arh. i love xuan better.
ben came along with my people. was okay ba. except he dont really have manners and all. shall teach him one day.
later may be going to queensway with eric. buy some stuffs. yar. for rachel too. =D
tt day on IFD nite, joewe called me. somehow i miss him too. its weird, but i think there are many thindgs left unsaid between us. and i wanna noe.
went queensway ard 1230 due to some delay. well...
shopped ard, i wanna get the orange fbt shorts. yar. and some other nice stuffs. but i cannot take advantage of my bdae being near to ask for money.
i knew it will happen. and it did in the end. so no point being angry with u. u had a choice. but u din wanna make the decision. the entire problem is with you. not me. ur frens will always be there, eric and cheryl wun dissapear for the sake of us.
wad u had to do just now was to go along with me, and tag along with me. i dun understand why people like PM can stay with XW the entire time and u cant.
wad u expect me to say when people ask me where are u. why arent u with me? wad am i supposed to say? and eric keep saying u're dead. wtf pls. stop using eric as an excuse, if u were there with me, u dun have to msg me, others wun have the chance to say shit abt u.
but u are shit urself. fcuk off if u cant change. i knew it was going to be lykdis. i knew it.
now, u're going to slp. when u said u will call me. fine. go slp then.
-subway breath
-van nistelroy's poster
before that i went tanning with cheryl and jiaqi. was fun too. met their another fren, melissa. they are all TALL pls.
today's another dissappointing 17th. din go sch coz i thought its the 17th and wanted to spend the whole day with creature. but i guess i did the wrong move again. shrugs.
u asked wad i wanted.
-go kss.u just said no.
-u said to spent the whole day with me.then later u asked where i wan to go if u go hm. lyk wtf.
same problems
-after the making out, after the movie. u always ignore me. without fail pls. dun hold my hand anymore. dun talk anymore.
-u look elsewhere except at me. i dun understand why other guys are so attentive to their gerl and u're not. other guys look at their gerl when they are talking, listen and give comments, and care emotionally for their gerl. but u? shrugs.
-instead of looking after me. u trip me up, knock into me, accidently hurt me blahblah. is it supposed to be lyk this? or are u just plain clumsy?
am fed up and tired of finding fault with u ler. so as i say, u're not wrong anymore. just treat it that im being moody and ridiculous.
anw. we lost all matches on sat. the thing im not sure abt, is whether we lost as a team or only becoz of a few individuals. i have some reflections to do.
what i have to say for now is , Yanyi, be strong for the team. i know its hard on you. be strong for us.
and benedict hoe. u really piss me off. dun say u nvr talk to gerls. coz i noe u did. and u were tagging ANGES when u were supposed to be angry with me. making me laugh again.
why must u always create problems for us? why?
then say pls or do things just for the sake of showing me u love me? change ur nick, ur DP, ur
behaviour for only temp. wads the use?
ur seriously making me tired of u. nth else ler.
my day was ok. skipped lit. and it was so freaky after that when i saw ms kwok at the stairs. fcuk man.
had touch lecture in the library with the gerls. hope it helped. tmr gonna be a long day for us. and im abit afraid.
and some girl pushed me dwn damn hard. but i duno who. coz i stood up and played on immediately.
glad the j2s came to support us. i duno wad we will become if we din have them with us just now.
alot of trys frm jesreal.she's damn fast. was happy. everyone.
but some dissapointments i must bring up.
1) i din go all the way to stop the man. i must rmbr wad jaipei told me. and dive for it if i need to.
2)i am damn dissapointed abt letting one the opponents try right in front of me. coz i helped cally mark her man. there was communication brkdwn there.
3)i chucked ball once or twice.
4)sometimes i shouted till i choked but still there wasnt any reaction frm the nxt unit.
rch hm late. washed up all the clothes.and damn shag ler.
i read ben's mail for me. i love him for what he has done for me.
coz daddy just planted a bomb on me.
tears flowing dwn but i just duwan to clean off. i wanna see how long can the tears continue flowing.
so i was damn mean to him ytd nite. i cried during the 2hrs of msging. was painful to know that im doing all this to him. but i have no choice. i must be the one who stop all this. i hope wad he says he will do.
cutted hair. kept wanting to cut already. and finally i got rid of my sickening fringe.and i was damn pissed off by the fcuking bus 180.tmd lor. passed twice w/o stopping can?! damn asshole. and the 243W bus too.
am sad now once more. when things started to seem better. he cant use his hp. like wtf. nvm. let things be this way.
sat got plans with dory. expo thingy. free tix somemore.
i really am sad.
why am i treating u like this? pushing u away.
is it becoz of SER's entry on Fri nite?
is it becoz i haven chat on the fone with u for 2 nites? but tts becoz u made me unhappy before u called me. its entirely ur fault.
or isit becoz of my menses? i doubt so.
or isit becoz im just being a bitch here? yar..most prob.
the tears have flowed out. and somehow i feel better already.
shrugs.
went to town early to meet YY and adel fers. passed creature the sausage prata and 2 postcards, and left immmediately. went to PS to shop ard. saw lotsa clothes at F21 and PS that i wanna get. but well...hahs. maybe i shall wait till my bdae ba.
went back sch for training. it was tough. and YY mentioned abt changing QM coz Nat is not there to perform her duties coz she ends later than 5pm. not her fault. but for the good of the team we must change QM definitely. i know i always accompany YY to get the equipments but if she appoints me as the QM, i'll reject. coz i want the best, nth less. tts me.
land training starts at 3. it was very hot, ground was steaming. everyone pespiring like running taps. adel was fed up coz she cant pass the Gilbert properly. ya, i noticed that too, since the first training we came back frm hols. she passes the ball like behind her, but at a weird angle, and i can almost imagine that now. faints. but Shah was hard on her, i guess. i know the feeling. happened to me one day too.
and dawne seemed ok. im still not so sure. coz like i dun really know her. but i told Adel and dory abt her. maybe tts why Adel was abit unhappy after training when i was asking Dawne abt her holiday work as a lifeguard. shrugs. i can sense everything lar.
i learnt two new drills ytd.
1) 3-punch, loop, bubble (which the ball will change direction of attack after the loop)
2)3punch, switch, loop (which confuses me at the switching part and who being the dummyhalf. ball travels in one same direction of attack.)
we did many on the 2nd one. but when the J2s came in to be defenders, i din like it. but wad jiapei said was true, cant force the drill when we cant. we ended at 6plus. i think jiapei is double-faced. coz wad i heard and wad she told eelen abt the time we wan to end training is totally diff pls. hate her when i knew this. like happening right in front of me pls. wth.
i din like it too when i was rebutted by YY during the cooling dwn part. but she is the captain. so wad if she's my best bud? yar...shrugs. bathed and treated them to bubble tea.
eric just told me i talk like SER and DD. like wtf. im jo. not them. esp them. i duno. i dun hate them at all. its just that they WERE unhappy memories of my days, when i like ben, back in KSS. ya, understand my point here? on second thoughts, they still ARE. hahs.
and i think my aunty is a fcuker too. damn fake can? asked me when did i start to onlined and i said 3pm. then wad she told me next made me laugh and scorn at her. must she resort to this to wanna make me tell the truth?
come on lar. dun make me laugh pls. pls pls. just fuck off.
and ytd nite. wads up with the face when u came back frm dinner at cck. i called u due to respect k? nono. wrong. hahs.
continue to humour me lar.
and i think some pple blogs are like damn *points middle finger.
dd blog. her grammer is like *points middle finger. " shall not give any examples here.
gabrielle blog. whats up with the 'not to ranking blah blah' ? like duh can?
did some maths just now. and was tired ler.
wed - nyp friendly 6-8pm.
wkends - matches at TURF.
just came back frm nowhere in particular. cck actually. with ben. watched recycle and i din like the show. i nvr did really like horror movies anw. made out during the show. it was fierce. hahs.
ate tempura.currypuffs.greenapplegreentea.
later i pissed him off many times. but i was seriously pissed with him. saying that if i went to meet cheryl then he wun go with me. wtF. like who are u to say this lar? and why walk away when u come running back to throw tantrums on me later? i know u want me to chase after u, but so sorry. pple change, things change. and so does jo. i prefer to see u walk away frm me, then turn and leave myself. tts wad i consiously chose. shrugs.
sometimes i really think we will nvr work out. coz of the problems. abt friends, my thinking, ur actions. im sighing now ler.
so i have decided. nextym u wan u follow. duwan then piss off.
was okay later. coz he kissed me after tt. i said it as a joke later but i was seriously unhappy at the time when we were sitting at the stairs. and why that stupid look when i mouthed the last tempura? shocked that i gobbled it up? or wad? but u say u duwan eat de mah.
and just now. eric called to irritate me. he pissed me off lar. fcuker.
another few updates.
i got 61 for LIT. a Bgrade pls.
i failed maths. failed ben. failed myself. was really damn sad when i got back the paper. i know this is not my usual behaviour abt failing maths. but now its JC, and H1 maths, and ben taught m alot the day beofre the paper. feeling shitty can. till now when i think of it, i think i should go revise maths, or rather practise maths. noody revise maths de lor. except me. damn. feel like im stupid. esp when ben raised his voice at me in the library while teaching me.
my legs aching, its painful but still going for training tmr. the sandflies following Shah was hilarious and freak. his hairgel attracts them like supeglue lar.and the flies are not 10-20. they are a hive of flies pls. scary.
and Shah taught us basics of 3-punch and speed. i din noe there were still alot to learnt. hais. im thinking highly of myself again. somehow dawne pisses me off when she opens her mouth to speak. eEe.
i counted my spendings already. like ard 75bucks for 5 days. but i paid alot for other stuffs too. peggy shirt.tournament fee.bought stuff for ben.i think i must make it a habit to record spendings everyday.
i think ben is hiding alot frm me. coz he duwan me to know and think alot. im cleverer than u think i am. i know alot of things pls. dunid to hide coz ur friends will mention in their blogs.
and im sad not becoz there's nth to make me happy. i lied to u just now. im low coz i know u hide alot frm me. asking SER to go NP when i cant go. like wtF. nvm. hahs. laugh things off, i will feel better. coz im scorning at u again.
and SER dp is pissing me off. damn fcuker. fcuk off . all of u. even u, creature. coz i love u. yet u make me angry and sad and dissapointed, and losing hope everyday when i thought i held on to some. get wad i mean?
well, enough complains..many others love me. nt only u. and i can live without u. i know i can.
some updates of today. 05.06.06.
fri halfday schooling.
47% for PHY.Geog
schools was slack today.
played some horrendous touCh during PE.
slpt during lit while they were talking abt balls. yar. guys' balls.
recieved geog paper. and were let off earlier.
u know, maybe im baised or wad. but i really looked at mrs audrey koh today. she look damn chio and just simply nice. i duno why i caught myself staring at her. she seem nice today maybe becoz
1) she let us off damn effing early.
2) she came over and talked to me abt my grades
3) she was nice all along frm the beginning.
yar..so i thought that i judged her too early last term. sry abt that. =)
met Mao abt PW. we have to rush alot ler. written reports, working file inspection, and EoM all coming up.
left for SP to meet craeture. i slpt on the way there, on the train. i duno why, i did slp last nite but i guess din really get REAL rest.
went to JE watch SUPERMANreturns. the show was nice. together with him. comfy and all.snugle together. but i always worry abt his arm being uncomfortable behind me. and the way he treat me today, makes me feel like a tortured brat, loved, feel like we're back together again. all these feelings in a mix. like wOw.
thus, im a happy gerl today.
met Nas to go sch together, 1st time k? but wasnt feeling good on the train, like the same feeling i got last nite was studying maths. was damn worried abt maths coz its not the same in sec sch. to me its very difficult to understand and grasp the methods blah.
saw dawne and gracia along the way. rolls eyes.
had morning assembly. like since before holidays till now. was feeling weird standing still to the anthem.
then i sat for the paper ler. i thought it was okay. althou the muliple qns freaked me out alot. they took like most of my time. and im glad for Mr Tan's BONUS QNS, and i have secured 4 marks out of 50. faints.
later saw joanne and qiaodie run. they are seriously out of their minds. its like effing hot and after exams pls. crazy. i was contented sitting at the grandstands with dory and jeanette chatting abt random stuffs.
oh, and i think im gonna resume my banana eating habits coz i love them. shrugs. somehow the banana signifies my daily break routine in NYJC. shrugs.
and this J2 gerl really pissed my hat off. i wasnt wearing any but she really aint no angel. so wad if u're lyk best buds with gerald mok? mad can? i saw u imitating me lar, for goodness sake. and pls u're so not like me. points middle finger.
was feeling bad i ps-ed joanne and the gerls for santos with YY. sry arh. dots. before we left for santos, met up with bel and dory at the canteen. bel's farni piece of shit too. hahs.
YY and me crapped all the way in to santos. cabbed in. and started our tanning session. we're the only 2 goondus who go there after sch, or rather in full sch U. hahs. and the sun was hot, maybe was abit too hot for me coz i started whining ler. i love YY's company, she can play, joke, bitch, ogle at guys openly, and most imptly, she very BHB. hahs. i love my captain.
went to play in the water with gilbert. took silly pictures, building sand breasts and filming LEVIS commercial. like wth. but was fun and hilarious.
left at ard 2 plus, was on tight scedule coz there's training later on. were consciously tired after tt. we ate ricebox, mac fires, and jollybean. yaay! its nice food. satisfying. (this para reminds me of baoting man. she's forever talking abt the food she eats everyday. as thou pple will rmbr wad u put in ur mouth lar hor. rolls eyes pls)
YY dashed into the train w/o waiting for me. and left me outside. but my situation was much better than hers. imagine having to tolerate funny stares and giggles frm pple who just witness ur stupid act? aww..cant imagine that. hahs.
yar and YY saw another cute guy. like again lar.
training sucked. no seniors. was so slack and ball-dropping was very ok with everyone. 5 push-ups only wad? drills were pathetic and eelen and YY just couldnt get the whole team together. shrugs.i think if Aud and JP were still holding their posts, i will have enjoyed training much much more.
tournament next week. and mascot have to be shortest meh? wth. fine.
and i dun like dawne, she gives me the impression that she's stupid and all. plus she did alot of weird stuff on the field that is totally CMI. she really irks me hell lots.
like dawne=CMI=rubbish.
bathed, bubble tea and dropped by Dhobyghost to see creature. he was nice in the dark. yar. but i hafta go.coz he needs to work. passed him YAKULT. i think im the one finding things to do, to make myself unhapp. he already made it clear that he cant leave early, but i still went. then left with a black face. wth i want lar?! thou my leg, plus the heavy bag and shoes, i still walked there to give him the drinks.
know wad. there's no sense of homeliness in this place. as in the door is shut and locked tight before i rch hm. somehow it gives me a feeling that my aunty do it on purpose de.
kk. later im supposed to cal Adel awake at 3am for WC, and 6am for sch. i love this gerl too. =D
pictures.
from left. gyln. rayna. kermin. YY. jueling. me. joleen.
me and GILBERT
me and YY
this took good timing. on her part lar. of coz.
GILBERT's shipwrecked.
beachwhale.
sand-breasts (spot the nipples)
before washing up.
this last one was during our supper at duno-where with the j2 ruGGers. our bags piled up high. miss them lots. =((
ate at macs.
went library to start on functions and all.
well, he offered to teach me maths since tmr will be the maths paper already. and jo aint free to come out.
ben skipped school to pei me. =D
but halfway thru, after kfc, we were consciously tired. and i cried abit late coz he was fierce and i really din noe wad he was telling me abt the logarithem(spell) thingy. really.
before leaving, we went macs again to write dd bdae card. and i provided the contents pls. well..shrugs.
thus am home now and going to start again on maths. expo and log/lg. wadeva.
hope tmr will be easy on my nerves. hais. maths is always a killer to me.
and and, theres kbox tmr with jo and the gerls.
430 touCh.training.
i will be packed tmr.
okok. maths now.
and the look he had just made my heart melt.
he looked hurt, shag, and on the verge of tears. and it made me soften up when i set eyes on him shape.
i hurt him last nite.
deserve to be shot sua. but nvm.
we din get to talk it out coz of the situation.
later we went coffeeshop eat. was okay. =D
tmr will go out with him. hahs. nice.
looking forward to it.
like really.
come come. random pics first.
that day after santos with XT.
and before meeting ben.
was happy that day.
had a tough fight over issues ytd nite with ben. which sparked off because of a joke. this aint the first time. some pple just cant take jokes lar.
i bought a converse tee for him. orange netherlands.
cant help but sigh. after the breakup, there are still frequent quarrells. fiercer ones even. hahs. ironic.